It’s a rare day that I actually make a contribution at work, and today is not going to be one of those. Instead, it’s time for Pie Chart Friday, keeping with the wholesome theme of the week.
Let me expound a bit on my beautifully expressed pie chart so you can understand my rationale and don’t just think I’m a drug addict:
- Bath Salts: I really have no idea what this is but it quite literally turned a Miami man into a flesh-eating zombie. Since I’ve always wondered whether–as a zombie–I would maintain a certain level of decorum and dress (I’m undead but my style doesn’t have to be) this would let me test out that theory. Just keep your face away from me, and your Fendi.
- Salvia: Likewise, I’m out of the loop on what this is exactly, and it’s legality in many states counts against it in my book (yawn) but I have a killer Miley Cyrus impression that I’m dying to try out, after I get my hands on a pair of clippers and make a similarly horrible decision to the one she made with her new shitty haircut. To be clear, I have made that horrible decision before but it was college so it didn’t count. This time, it will.
- Meth: It would be bittersweet to be on meth because if I were this blog wouldn’t have been written, as I would have been too busy bangin’ heaters and doing hobo laps in front of the 7-11. Six hours later, all my work projects would be done and my bathtub would probably look like I don’t pee in it every morning. Not that I necessarily do …
- Beer: Any pothead with a junior high education will tell you that alcohol kills far more people a year than weed. And any amateur to professional drinker would respond with, “go fuck yourself, burnout.” It doesn’t get any better than beer, although I am surprised that there aren’t drug-infused beers. Just think–Meth Drool Brown Ale, Cocaine Blanca, Miller Heroin Life. My first billion: check.
- Haribo gummy candy: If you don’t think sugar is a drug you haven’t seen me in withdrawal from gummy candy. It’s ugly and I will eat your face off sans bath salts if you’re standing in the way of me and the Kroger candy aisle. Addiction isn’t pretty and this particular addiction looks like a pair of stretch pants and a third grade party.
Cats In Your Pants 
I think your meth chart is a little high, bath salts and meth should be equal I think. However having tried 0% of either I might just be talking out of my ass. Your first billion shouldn’t take too long to aquire either! What a boost to the economy, but those that can consume the drugged up alcohol shouldn’t be younger than thirty two or something like that, so people feel more of a thrill when they do it “illegally” and other people feel like “rules and standards are being put in place.” Gummy bear nation. I like them when they are a little stale hells yes.
Wow, you raise so many good points, I feel as if I should re-write this post to reflect them. You’re totally right about the equality of bath salts and meth. I don’t know why I undervalue bath salts so much. I also wonder if I’d want to do meth while I’m on bath salts. I wouldn’t even know how to measure that on a pie chart…
An age limit on the drugohol is a great idea. After all, it’s us older folk that really need the drug-infused booze anyway. Those young kids don’t have things to do or productive places to be, with the exception of school which is obviously overrated and only there to facilitate drug dealing.
Just the thought of stale gummy bears has sent me into withdrawal and as soon as I clean up the profuse sweat I just shot out, I’m going to the store, and then to my stash of stale gummies. 🙂
Drugohol! I love it!
Thanks for reading. If you love it now, just wait until you taste the real thing! I’ve got a few FDA and DEA issues to iron out first, but keep an eye out!
Frankly, I just want to start using drugs so I haven excuse to let my appearance go every once in awhile. I guess I’ll just have to wait until I’m old for that to happen.
We should definitely get down on some bath salts together. Think about the potential for our blogs?! Freshly Pressed for sure.
Nice post. But where is chocolate in your pie chart? I am addicted to chocolate and I can’t do without it for not even a day!
I’m actually not a chocolate girl. BUT I could be with the right amount of booze!
Nice blog, made me giggle 🙂 The hardest thing I’ll take these days is a tube of pringles, that about does it for me.
Rohan.
I’m delighted to hear I made you giggle. I hope you didn’t shit your pants, that happens to me sometimes when I’m intensely giggling.
Thanks for reading and good luck with the Pringles addiction!
Nope, last time I shat my pants was when it was so cold here in Dublin I decided to take a walk wearing two (yes two) pairs of trousers. During the walk it became apparent that I was suffering from some kind of stomach bug as my belly began to ache.
I decided to cut my walk short and head home. As I neared my house the urge to relieve myself became increasingly intense as did the rumbling and gurgling from my stricken gut.
Upon arriving home I rushed to the bathroom with all the speed and determination of Thersipus of Erchius. I burst in, at this stage sweating due to the immense effort required to control my bowels. I deftly raised the toilet seat and began undoing my belt in a single graceful movement, and then like a ballerina I span to face my bottom toward the seat.
I pulled my trousers down just as I reached the toilet seat and just as I could no longer hold back the fetid tide welling up inside me. My timing was perfect. Only there was one problem. I was wearing not one, but two pairs of trousers that day. In my rush to get to the toilet I had completely forgotten about the second pair. I had only removed the first layer when my poor sphincter gave out to exhaustion.
And thus I shat my pants. The moral of the story is, no matter how cold it gets, never wear more than one pair of trousers, I hope people can learn from my mistake.
And I hope my true story was of some use.
Rohan.
ps. And be careful with pringles, they can give you a sore tummy.
That is an incredible story of human suffering and triumph, I am impressed! I have a similar story that took place in the back of a Pontiac in the middle of nowhere U.S.A. It is not nearly as good as yours. I can’t help but wonder why you were wearing two pairs, though …?
It was really REALLY cold out, I thought the two pairs would keep me warm, apparently my wish was granted, just not the way I was hoping
Sorry to hear about your Pontiac incident!
Rohan.
Thank you, I appreciate that. An apology is in order for almost any experience that happens in and/or around a Pontiac. At least that has been my experience. Hopefully Pontiacs are just bad dreams and disturbing rumors in your neck of the world.
well, I think the (more or less) scientific term of your experiences is VD for volcanic diarrhea 😉 been there, done that
Good lord that sounds painful! (Do you like how my response pretends to not know what you mean by volcanic diarrhea, even though I am, in reality, all too familiar with how that works?!)
i went cold turkey from gummy candy once
Good for you! I go cold turkey about three times a month. It never lasts more than a day. Spoken like a true addict …
you made it a whole day?
Well, there’s a lot of sleep time built into my time calculation. I usually quit after a late-night binge, and take it up again that next afternoon. So, sort of a day?!
“Go fuck yourself, burnout.” It truly does not get any better than when someone else has the same mindset when dealing with people on a soapbox. Hilarious.
Thanks for reading! Shared mindsets is DEFINITELY something I can drink to. And will, RIGHT NOW!
Drugohol! You should get on Dragons Den with that, its a winner 🙂
I’m on it, as soon as I come down from this Methelob Light. Thanks for reading!
haribo gummys. those things are so addictive. good post. i would think beer would be higher. oh well. anyways. congrats on freshly pressed!
The congratulations really goes to you, because until your comment I had no idea I had been Freshly Pressed. I just thought there were a bunch of really bored people on WordPress. Thanks for letting me know, and thanks for reading!
Are you sure that Bath Salts shouldn’t be the highest? What a weird world isn’t it?
I’m not sure. I was really torn over how to place that. I was also sober when I wrote that post so it could definitely change after my first bath salts suppository. Wait, that is how you’re supposed to take those, right!?
Salvia is a terrible thing that I have no idea why it is legal. I had a terrible experience with it and my mom (bad influence she is LOL) says that it reminder her too much of her days in the 70s and acid trips. Love this post 🙂
That sounds horrible. I mean, the salvia, not the 70s cause that seemed like one hell of a good time! Anyway, if Miley Cyrus’ experience is any indication, it probably shouldn’t be legal–we need to spare the rest of the world from non-stop coverage of stupid videos like that.
I listed you in “Bloggers I Like” http://cherispeak.wordpress.com/blogs-i-like/
Thank you! I will try my best not to disappoint.
Wow… Nice 🙂
great post… I will refer to you as Desiree Camacho.
Thanks! I think …?! I’ll answer to just about anything and I’ve definitely been called worse.
🙂 she’s someone who always made me laugh….I knew you’d ask.
Oh, phew! I’m glad you didn’t say “she’s the jerk who got me hooked on bath salts!”
I’m sure more amateur “mixologists” are out there. Can’t speak for the whole country but a friend of mine soaks marijuana leaves in vodka and rum; there may be a third ingredient but that may just be for taste. He calls it the green dragon. 🙂 P.S. I was informed that the first time may leave you naked in a corner shivering, but I think he was simply trying to frighten me.
Jesus, that sounds like a horrifyingly good time. I hope that third ingredient is an upper of some sort. I always have a lot of chores to get done when I’m drinking, so I need that extra kick. Maybe some Joose or Sparks?! Either would probably destroy any semblance of “taste” but you do what you can with malt liquor, you know?!
I soaked some gummy bears in Vodka a few weeks ago and let me tell you, the results were FANTASTIC! I think that concoction deserves a place on your pie chart. PS Apparently my inner addict is a rebellious middle school-er.
Uh, that sounds absolutely incredible. What kind of gummy bears, what kind of vodka, and for how long? I need details, please. Quickly–my liver is aching for this!
I used Kroeger brand gummy bears, laid them in a casserole dish, and poured about half a bottle of shitty vodka (Frost) over them until they were totally submerged. Forgot about them for five days, and after that time the gummy bears had soaked it ALL UP! The miracles of science never cease to amaze me.
Oh. My. God. I’m sure you heard this a lot after your creation, but you’re a genius. I’m gonna give it a shot.
Im actually quite suprised that the haribo gummy candy segment is not a bigger one 😛 This post really did make me chuckle! 😀
Thanks for reading! Pie charts are hard because not everything can be 100 percent. If that were the case 1) math would be awesome and 2) Haribo would have made it 100 percent, for sure!
When I first saw “salvia” I read “saliva” and thought, how funny. Thanks for the amusing read. Pie charts–they’re datalicious! 😀
They are datalicious, although this pie chart was sure to have disappointed some scientific-types who came to the post through the “data” tag on WordPress and were looking for something a little more serious.
Thanks for reading and stay away from that saliva!
I once overloaded on caffeine after pulling two back to back double shifts at work and got really sick from caffeine withdrawal.
I don’t doubt that at all. I can get addicted to almost anything, for example the oatmeal bar at my local Whole Foods. I can’t go a morning without that lately, although that is sure to change next month, hopefully to a more exciting addiction. Thanks for reading!
Love your writing style, it’s not often I actually LOL… but I did 🙂
Thanks for reading, and I’m glad to hear it! You are now officially the second LOL I have received on this blog–the first being myself, obviously. I giggle like a school girl when I draft my posts.
I will make every effort to make you LOL again, but no promises, I like to under-promise and over-deliver, except my over-delivery can be fairly mediocre.
If you get between me and my Haribo Gold Gummy Bears, god help you.
I pray you and I never meet over the last bag of Gold Bears … It might get ugly.
But such an epic event to watch, I’m sure.
It would get more attention than a war in the Middle East! Come to think of it, that would be some good ratings … let’s find a Safeway.
Rumble for the Gold!
Reblogged this on Haider Aslam and commented:
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LOL well written!
Thanks, and thanks so much for reading!
What overlap in color occurs when 2-3 of these are done simultaneously?
If that ever happened(i.e. Elvis, Courtney Love)
Thus is the problem with pie charts … Maybe next time I need to use Venn Diagrams. Then, I could show what happens when all the substances interact (and you’re quite right, the overlap would probably be represented by a picture of Courtney Love). Thanks for reading, and this is a good idea–stay tuned for Venn Diagram Friday!
I’m kind of bitter about the whole “bath salts” craze going on right now. I’ve been telling people I was going to eat their face for at least a decade. Now that these damn drugged up zombies are coming out of the closet, nobody takes me seriously anymore. It’s cramping my style! (well, it would if I had any) I’m not biting the bath salts, damn it! They’re biting me!
Also – Methelob Light?!? I just pissed my pants, shot milk out my nose, and fell in love simultaneously. That was intense.
Congrats on being “Freshly Pressed” by the way! I’m not sure exactly what the crap-monkeys that is, but it sounds painful. And exciting. And that’s also how I found you, so I guess it can’t be TOO bad, right? I couldn’t not click on something called Cats In Your Pants.
Now that I think about it – that may not have been milk at all. I haven’t had milk in about a week. Please excuse me while I rush to the ER.
If you think your reaction to Methelob Light was intense, just wait until you try it. Shit is gonna get real. I can guarantee it won’t be milk shooting out of your nose, but since I haven’t completed the clinical trials, I also can’t tell you exactly what it WILL be. But I have you down to test it once I’ve perfected the recipe, or overdosed trying.
Sounds like you have every right to be pissed about the bath salts craze. I think you should set the trend straight and just start eating faces sober. That will REALLY creep people out and will let everyone know that you are a face eater to be reckoned with! Nothing says ‘take me seriously’ quite like eating someone’s right eye out, just ask that homeless man in Florida who is now missing an eye (along with most of his face).
Thanks for reading, and thanks for finding me through the Freshly Pressed section. Months ago I wrote a post on why I would never be Freshly Pressed, mainly on account of the adult content and profane language that magically appears in post after post. Turns out, that didn’t get in the way of my dreams, so don’t let it get in the way of yours–get out there and eat some fucking face off!
I’m intrigued … where do I find this article?
Drug infused beer – as part of your first billion? It could be an idea to take over the breweries that produce Hemp Beer….which are mainly in Germany and Switzerland. Bad news for your US readers. BUT…there is mention of “Olde Bong Water” apparently made in Missouri. See link: http://www.hempbeer.com/ (watch out for the dodgy guy in leather shorts though)
I had no idea hemp beer existed, but now that I know, I am on Expedia booking a flight to Germany. I’ll start there, at least, and wander into Switzerland once I’ve had enough German hemp beer.
I’m going to look into this more, thanks for reading, and thanks for the heads up on the competition!
Oh my goodness, this is hilarious. i love your explanations. Very creative.
Thanks for reading! I am nothing if not creative. And addicted to candy. Obviously.
Lmfao! I love this post
Thanks for reading!