It’s a rare day that I actually make a contribution at work, and today is not going to be one of those. Instead, it’s time for Pie Chart Friday, keeping with the wholesome theme of the week.
Let me expound a bit on my beautifully expressed pie chart so you can understand my rationale and don’t just think I’m a drug addict:
- Bath Salts: I really have no idea what this is but it quite literally turned a Miami man into a flesh-eating zombie. Since I’ve always wondered whether–as a zombie–I would maintain a certain level of decorum and dress (I’m undead but my style doesn’t have to be) this would let me test out that theory. Just keep your face away from me, and your Fendi.
- Salvia: Likewise, I’m out of the loop on what this is exactly, and it’s legality in many states counts against it in my book (yawn) but I have a killer Miley Cyrus impression that I’m dying to try out, after I get my hands on a pair of clippers and make a similarly horrible decision to the one she made with her new shitty haircut. To be clear, I have made that horrible decision before but it was college so it didn’t count. This time, it will.
- Meth: It would be bittersweet to be on meth because if I were this blog wouldn’t have been written, as I would have been too busy bangin’ heaters and doing hobo laps in front of the 7-11. Six hours later, all my work projects would be done and my bathtub would probably look like I don’t pee in it every morning. Not that I necessarily do …
- Beer: Any pothead with a junior high education will tell you that alcohol kills far more people a year than weed. And any amateur to professional drinker would respond with, “go fuck yourself, burnout.” It doesn’t get any better than beer, although I am surprised that there aren’t drug-infused beers. Just think–Meth Drool Brown Ale, Cocaine Blanca, Miller Heroin Life. My first billion: check.
- Haribo gummy candy: If you don’t think sugar is a drug you haven’t seen me in withdrawal from gummy candy. It’s ugly and I will eat your face off sans bath salts if you’re standing in the way of me and the Kroger candy aisle. Addiction isn’t pretty and this particular addiction looks like a pair of stretch pants and a third grade party.